Gruber Avoids a Stroke

But I say, Take care of your arteries, man, and they will take care of you. Yes I do think you burned off a at least a few potential TIA's with this magnificent title:

Yet Another in the Ongoing Series Wherein I Examine a Piece of Supposedly Serious Apple Analysis From a Major Media Outlet and Dissect Its Inaccuracies, Fabrications, and Exaggerations Point-by-Point, Despite the Fact That No Matter How Egregious the Inaccuracies / Fabrications / Exaggerations, Such Pieces Inevitably Lead to Accusations That I’m Some Sort of Knee-Jerk Shill Who Rails Against Anything ‘Anti-Apple’ Simply for the Sake of Defending Apple, and if I Love Apple So Much Why Don't I Just Marry Them?

But brace yourself. Adam L. Penenberg (give the guy a break, he's probably fourteen years old. No? Oh. Well in that case, his stupid-ass ass? Kick it again. The crime? A level of witlessness that makes Enderle Industries spokesperson, R. Endlerle, look good. Okay, not good ... But why do you read these assholes anyway?)

I do love it when you get all wound up in your Daring-Fireball-the-guy-who-never-gets-wound-up way. Restraint is a such pleasure to read.

However, I feel strangely compelled point out, You missed one:

“But none of that will stop a growing number of adversaries from doing all they can to pare Apple down.”

Now promise me you won't get upset.

Small Mercies

Wozniak: “Apple is not the company I had hoped it would be. I always thought that a major player in the personal computer business, with its label on the products, would be composed of top engineers and multiple labs full of scientists developing new devices out of physics and chemistry.”

Woz? In general? STFU.

In Russia, iPhone Buys *You*

Something called SneakyBusiness has compiled their best advice for Apple:

Create a dual CEO. As companies transition to a more effective 24x7 operation, the introduction of an alternative 'night shift' CEO can have dramatic effects. Over time, as the world realizes that two individuals are actually in place, the second CEO can assume more prominent daytime activities.

Introduce deliberate mistakes. Carefully planned errors, selected for minimal financial impact, can help to reduce the halo effect of a hyper-successful CEO. A minor overseas gaffe or ill-judged CEO product demo are good examples.

Spread the persona. Encourage other executives and senior managers to adopt the persona of the CEO. By adopting an identical dress code, mimicking their management style and repeating often used phrases the value of the CEO can be seen to spread further down the organization.

And what I wanna know is ... is this a put on?

Really. It's awfully easy to "have me on," as the Brits say; I'm usually a year behind the times anyway. Tell me the truth—it's another Onion production, isn't it.

Otherwise, hey, it's crap like this that puts us professional snark-bloggers out of a job.

Benefit of doubt scenario: Sneaky Business actually resides in former Soviet Union

... In Russia, HTML codes you.

"My Bidness Nose!"

Okay, this FakeSteve guy is not only in many ways better than the real thing could possibly be ... as well as so like himself as to give the true Jobso fan chills up and down the spine (I leave it to you to decide who “himself” is) ... he is now, also, a friggin genius.

For surely “Not that one, my Bidness Nose!” shall go down in the Book of Great Lines ... to be inscribed by monks, many, many years hence ... after the whole, humungous explosion is over.

Monks in shorts. It will be very, very hot.

They will make books the old way, out of goat skin, and ink from gall and berries ... and every now and then, out of boredom and the natural desire for a good time, one monk will whisper, “Tito!”

Another, already in stitches, will whisper in reply, “Not that one! My bidness nose!”

Then they will all fall off their stools in fits of barely-suppressed laughter. Just like in study hall.

Not much inscribing the rest of that day.

I don't spose we'll ever know if FS really ran into Michael—yet is this not one credible riff?

“Then he turns to Tito and says, Tito, give me my nose. Tito opens a case and pulls out a nose. Michael goes, Damn, Tito, not that nose! My bidness nose! Tito's like, I thought this was an audition. Michael says No, it's a business meeting, and I need my bidness nose, and dammit, Tito, I swear I'm gonna smack you, you know that?”

One wonders if RS is funky enough to have the same sort of ... reverie?

Who the fuck cares, this guy is good.

Walk On The Water

Apple's shares slipped less than 1 per cent in after-market trading on Wednesday, suggesting that investors did not believe that Mr Jobs' admission would weaken his position at the company.

Clearly, there is some confusion out there, In what I call PC-Land, what you probably call, the world.

Steve is the company, the company is Steve.

Look at it this way: Once, in partnership (ha) with my then- (ha) husband (ha) (where am I) I owned a lovely Mercedes that also went like a son of a bitch. Which is to say, beautifully, smoothly, extremely fast. What a tool for getting from here to there. And we had our little joke, because we had more money than seemed possible, then. It went, Why isn't everybody smart enough to drive a Mercedes. Some joke.

When you finish laughing ... and whapping your PC on the top from yet another blue screen of you-know-what, or from opening another little window only to find there is another little window behind it and so on ... I'm tellin' you, you don't have to live that way, the web is pretty damn nice on a Mac ...

You know, you really can't imagine the crap that is thrown at you as a PC user, you see a stream of cheap and funky shit that you prolly think is the internet. Shit they don't even bother to throw at me ... 'cuz I am not going to push that stupid-ass button, Clean My Registry, Please! no matter what.

I am not going to click on, Click On Me! Free, The Taj Mahal!

Free Dell PC! (Shipping and Handling, $895.)

Okay, Steve. Honk your magic honker. Distort that reality field. Start any time now.

Quelle horreur!

Mac Backup Software that is Harmful?

How can zis be?

Becozz eet eats opp all ze metadata?

Let me give you my own personal take on that: I HATE metadata.

I hate whoever thought it up, I hate whoever foisted it upon the lives of OS X users, most of whom have their hands full just wading through their data. (80GB? 100GB?) Fuck meta. Just the thought of data-about-data gives me one of those Through The Looking Glass headaches.

Take a Memo: 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino CA. (And no there ain't no stinkin' comma there, god damn it) The day I want to find something on my computer by "Model of the device used to acquire this document" or "Whether red eye correction was on or off" or "Method used to deliver the media (Fast Start or RSTP)" ... mark it on your calendar, boys, because that's the day they throw an ice-skating party in hell.

Just tell me where my file is. And that's all! I don't want to know another god damn thing about it! Just find it and show me a list! I will click on my choice, Spotlight will go away, and that will be the end of it!

But no. That would be so un-Apple-like. Where's the mystery in drab old Find.

I suppose in the rarefied air of #1 Endless, they're also oblivious to the fact that Spotlight has spawned a whole new category of shareware: Spotlight workarounds and potentially human-usable interfaces. I use a Finder hack so that Command-F—get this—finds the file I'm looking for.

And when I want to know more than that, here's what I'll do: GET A LIFE.

Steve must have a zillion photos and also give a rat's ass about classifying them according EXIF data, whatever that is. No, I know what that is, it's one of the things people imagine is important when they don't know how to stop.

You're lookin' much better, Steveness. (May I call you Steveness? For short?) Which is why I feel free to tear into your ass. But try not to scare us like that again. Almost dropped my iPod. (Sung to the tune of Almost Cut My Hair.) (Well, in my head it is.)

I Heart Slashdot

Who the hell can say that Apple is not THE SHIT?

— Cocoa
— Quartz
— Stylish industrial design.
— Best tech support in the business. They treat you WELL!

Go to the library with my puny little iBook and chicks come talk to me.
OVER a freaking computer!!!

You can run all kinds of free software thru Fink.
You can run Windows thru Virtual PC (Dog slow, but it works).

They include X11, Developer tools, all kinds of pretty things .

WHAT MORE CAN YOU WANT?????

I'm 28, been using computers since 5. Apple is THE SHIT!!!
I had forgot about the fun in computing until I got my first Apple in 2001.

There are a lot of old dogs, who have been through a lot of shit, and they all say a Powerbook is what computers should have been all along.

This is true. You're a smart little fucker, aren't you. Old dog, been through a lot of shit, wanted a Powerbook the moment I first laid eyes on one. Summer of '92. Never looked back. It was a 170, had maybe 16MB RAM, I remember recording Springsteen for my alert sounds. Those were the days. They still are. Got two 15" Titaniums (don't ask) and spotting for a 17". People just have no fucking idea. Til they use one, and that's what they all say: Never Looked Back.

BTW . . . screw Political Correctness. You all post shit on slashdot like you were waiting a table. You CAN make a valid point and still say the word FUCK. It's OK.

I like this quote by Lenny Bruce (don't know who the hell he is, but anyhow) ...

Aw, that's sweet. And a tribute to his memory. He'd be proud of you. I'm proud of you, of any kid who can think for him/herself amidst this great wash of consumerist brain-suck that used to be a nation.

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’”

Take care! Oh, and get a Mac. You'll see what I'm talking about.

Link: Slashdot comments